Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Name Calling

I have been thinking about my cousin James today.  
Which is funny because we aren't particularly close- James is MUCH older than me.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  So we didn't really grow up together.  He was my older kinda cool cousin who found pleasure in torturing us at Thanksgiving.
But today I have been thinking of something he shared at his son's funeral.  As he stood at the pulpit braving the incomprehensible task of sharing his feelings at that unimaginable time, he said something that has changed my perspective forever.  You see, he shared his experience as he drove home from the hospital on the horrible day his little man passed away.  He stopped at a service station for a drink.  As he stood in line, the thought hit him, "None of these people have any idea.  I'm standing here in line with these people and they have no clue I just lost my son."  (At least that's how I heard what he shared)
The thought hit me like a ton of bricks.  How many times have I been impatient with someone because I didn't understand their behavior?  How often to I judge someone based on their actions, not knowing what is in their heart?
Are the names we call others kind?   Do they help or hurt?  During his darkest hour, James taught me one of life's biggest lessons.  We should always help, because odds are the person is already hurting.
I thought of James today because of this wonderful story found in Prodigal Magazine and written by Susan Basham:

Pulling my car into the drive-thru line at Starbucks, I wondered why it was a dozen people deep. It wasn’t raining, yet it seemed everyone was driving through today. I was transporting three dogs to the groomer, and there was no way I could leave two wild Shih-tzus and one crazy Bichon alone while I went inside for my daily dose. Millie, the Bichon, sat on my lap licking the window. As I peeled her away from the glass, I saw the woman. She sat across the parking lot, leaving just enough room for a thoroughfare, as she too was waiting in the Starbucks line. I smiled, and gestured to her. It went something like this: “Are you next, or am I?” Really, I was fine either way. She was not. Thinking I was trying to snag her spot of next up, she gunned her Suburban, rolled down the window, and let out a string of expletives that made me blush. Millie barked back a retort. “Go ahead, please,” I said. “I wasn’t sure who was first.” I pulled Millie back onto my lap, so she could see I had been dog-distracted and truly didn’t know who was next. She didn’t buy it. She continued with the name calling without taking a breath. I won’t write them down here, but the main mantra shared initials with the number one social networking site. 
Then something really strange happened. Instead of getting mad or yelling back at her, a sense of empathy invaded me. I looked at her again, and this time I saw someone different, someone who wrenched my heart. Her eyes were red and puffy. Her hair was pulled back in a natty ponytail. She held her phone in her palm, glancing down at it every few seconds. And she was driving that big ole’ gas hog of a Suburban, my own car of choice when I had three kids at home and a carpool. Dear God. I was looking at myself ten years ago. Same car, same ponytail. Same frustration. We’ve all been there. Dog vomits on the sofa. Both kids have strep throat. The garbage disposal chooses today to break, when you are trying to disintegrate moldy fridge leftovers.  Husband is mad because you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning and he’s going on a business trip. Sound familiar? And by the way, was that him she had been talking to or texting? She gunned forward, just to show me that she could. I left her a wide berth, smiled at her splotchy face. She shot me a sideways scowl, mouthed the mantra again. Pulling up to the loudspeaker behind her, I said “I want to pay for whatever the woman in front of me has ordered. And please tell her I hope she has a better day.” I meant every word. The woman idled in front of me for a good four minutes, talking to the barista who had leaned out the window. She shook her head and handed over a bill. She drove around the side of the building slowly, this time no gunning. Hmmm. “No takers, huh?” I said to the barista as I pulled forward. “Nope. She said she couldn’t believe you wanted to pay for her drink after all the names she called you. She said she couldn’t allow it, and said to tell you she was sorry. She felt really bad.” “Did you tell her I hoped she had a better day?” “Yep. She said thanks— that she already was.” “Good to hear.” I smiled and handed her a dollar to put in the tip jar. As I drove away, I began to cry. Not because I had been called so many terrible names, but because God had answered my very recent prayer—which was that He would allow me to see people as He sees them, not as I see them. That I might be able to see the hurting inside, instead of just the hurtful outside. And maybe a few tears were of gratitude and amazement that He always shows up with an answer when I sincerely ask. 

Joseph B Wirthlin said "Kindness is the essence of greatness and the fundamental characteristic of the noblest men and women I have known. Kindness is a passport that opens doors and fashions friends. It softens hearts and molds relationships that can last lifetimes."
I can't pretend to be as thoughtful and understanding as Susan, but I can try. And I can make sure that the names I call others are the kind I want to be called.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Giving of Yourself...A Tale of Three Kidneys


The following story appeared on KSL News.  I can't take credit for writing it or for the amazing chain of events it tells about.  Luckily, this blog isn't about credit, it's about finding good.  And this story is definitely good!
It seems that so much of our happiness is about service.  As we serve others, we are less focused on ourselves and our problems.  Pretty ironic that as we bring joy to other's lives, we find it ourselves.
These amazing people were certainly blessed as they blessed the lives of perfect strangers...

SALT LAKE CITY — Three people are recovering after receiving new kidneys. What makes their medical procedure so incredible is the connection they share — living donors who came together as part of a paired transplant exchange.
All three received a kidney last week, including Hayley Fershtut’s 2-year-old son, Beckham.
"The people who have stepped up to save my baby's life, it's been amazing,” Fershtut, of Layton, said through tears.
When Beckham was born, doctors discovered his kidneys did not fully develop and were functioning at just 12 percent of what they should be.
"He had a window of a couple of months that we needed to get this done in order to avoid having to put him on dialysis,” explained Dr. Raoul Nelson, a pediatric nephrologist at Primary Children’s Medical Center.
Since the surgery Sept. 11, the little boy is doing so much better, according to his parents.
"He couldn't walk before. He couldn't keep any food down before,” said Beckham’s father, Ari Fershtut, “and now with this new kidney, he should be able to live a very normal life, be able to catch up and walk and run like other kids and go outside and play with them.”
The surgery was dream come true for Beckham’s parents. Ari Fershtut was going to donate a kidney to his son, but they were not a match.
"The kidney was something that we personally couldn't give to him, and I am so grateful to them that will step up and come to give him something that we couldn't,” Hayley Fershtut said.


The toddler’s kidney came from Kristy Buffington, of Twin Falls, Idaho. The 37-year-old wanted to donate her kidney to her friend Brandy Jess, 40, but last-minute tests showed they weren’t a match.
“So I decided to donate to her, and then we came down (in July) and the final cross-match said we weren’t a match, that the first test was actually wrong,” Buffington said.
They were ready to turn around and go back to Idaho when Buffington said they were approached about the paired exchange program. She told doctors she was willing to do the paired exchange only if there was a guarantee that her friend would receive a kidney. After a couple of weeks, matches were found.
Even though Buffington wasn’t a match for Jess, she’s happy she was able to help a little boy.
“It was really awesome to be able to help this little guy at the same time,” Buffington said. “He’s only 2, so that was pretty cool, too.”
While Ari Fershtut, 32, was not a perfect match for his son, he was a match for Juan Romero, 45, of Wendover, who waited three years for a transplant and had been on dialysis. Both men had the same rare B-negative blood type.
“The doctors say the kidney is working very well,” Romero said.
Now, he has a new lease on life, thanks to people he had never met before.
“I’m just grateful I got to help my son, but also help (Romero) as well,” Ari Fershtut said. “It’s a bonus on top of that. It’s great that I got to be a part of it.”

Bartling's gift began a chain reaction that resulted in three people receiving a kidney. His went to Jess, Jess' friend Buffington was a match for 2-year-old Beckham Fershtut, and his dad, Ari Fershtut, was a match for Romero.

Their surgery was performed Sept. 12.
Jess' transplant exchange was made possible by Ted Bartling, 51, of Morgan. He is known as the good Samaritan in the exchange because he has no relation to anyone else involved.
“I’m just some guy off the street that had a weird idea that I would go in and see if I could help somebody other than myself,” Bartling said. "I just knew there was someone that matched."
It took six months of testing and looking for a match, and then the hospital called him to say they found someone he could help.
Bartling said he was feeling great six days after donating a kidney. He had no idea who would receive the kidney, but after the surgery he met Jess.
"(She’s) a mother, a wife, and that means the most to me,” he said.
Buffington said her good friend is making progress and the two of them share a much stronger bond, even though Jess didn't receive one of Buffington's kidneys.
“She is kind of having a rough time of it, but she will make it,” Buffington said. “She is an amazing person. She's got a good, positive attitude, so she will get there.”
But Bartling’s gift began a chain reaction that resulted in three people receiving a kidney. His went to Jess, Jess’ friend Buffington was a match for 2-year-old Beckham Fershtut, and his dad, Ari Fershtut, was a match for Romero.


Enlarge image
Two-year-old Beckham Fershtut received a kidney from Kristy Buffington in a paired transplant exchange last week. His father, Ari Fershtut, wanted to donate his kidney but wasn't a match. (Photo: University of Utah Health Care)

"And that way we were able to build a chain and take two incompatible pairs plus a non-directed donor and transplant three patients," said Dr. Jeffrey Campsen, who performed all three surgeries on the donors.
University Hospital was the location where all the kidney donors had their surgeries, along with two recipients. Primary Children's Medical Center was where the surgery on 2-year-old Beckham Fershtut was performed.
Ari Fershtut said the whole process was a great idea.
“Instead of helping one person, six (people's) lives are affected, and it’s a wonderful blessing,” he said.
Bartling said donating a kidney has been life-changing for him, a chance to give back for what he has.
"We really do have to help each other, to make society better, and we have to give more than we take on occasion, and that is how I got to be here. I wanted to give more than I take,” Bartling said. “It’s such a great feeling, just to help.”

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Brought to you by the Letter "M"


Sometimes good news comes in an instant. Like a shooting star that appears unexpectedly and puts a smile on your face. Other times there is a long, hard road before that magical moment when the world seems right.

So it is with the Dahls.

Meet Amber, my sweet sister in law. Her first husband made many decisions that caused him to loose two things: his family and his freedom. But this story isn't about him. It's about Amber and her three beautiful children. When Amber's marriage ended, she was left with three children ages four?? and under. 

She moved forward with her life and eventually met someone who loved her and her three kids. Amber and Derek married in 2009. They bought a beautiful home and jumped into family life. Newlyweds + three. 

Fast forward three years and one new baby boy. Amber's ex still sat in prison and Derek was the only Dad her kids knew. It was time to make it official.

 A kind neighbor helped the family get adoption paperwork ready to go and Amber's ex-husband wrote a letter relinquishing his parental rights. But these things take time. Almost two years later, things were finally ready to go.  Amber and Derek were ready to file the paper work and set a court date. The courts understood that families who are seeking to adopt do not like long drawn out processes so the court date was set only two weeks after the papers were turned in. 

Then the miracles began. But we only learned about them after the adoption was all said and done. You see, Amber and Derek are preparing for other major steps in their family. As part of this, their LDS Bishop sent Amber's ex-husband a letter. It was returned because he had been transferred. The second letter was returned as well because he had included a self addressed stamped envelope (Who knew???). The adoption was finalized on a Monday. On Wednesday, their bishop received a call from her ex's social worker. He felt uncomfortable with the reason for the letter and he had demands regarding the letter. He wanted yearly updates and pictures of the kids. He wanted to meet with Derek. The Bishop kindly explained that it was too late, he had already given his permission for the adoption and it was final. The second permission letter was no longer necessary- the kids we no longer his. 

I shudder to think of the results had the timing been a little different. What if the first letter had found it's way to Amber's ex? He could have recanted his letter relinquishing his rights and giving permission for the adoption to take place. He could have fought the adoption and the lives of these sweet kids would have been forever changed. But the letters were returned and the judge saw that this was the best thing for these sweet children. 

The Dahls have always been a family. But with a Judge's signature it is official. And we couldn't be happier. Or more grateful. 

This perfect moment was brought to you by the letter M (for miracles).